No matter what we’re looking for we will be meeting new people as we go through life, and while I can see how easy that can be for someone who is quite an aggressive communicator like you two, I’m definitely more passive in my communication style. Do you guys have any tricks or games to help in getting to know a person? Or, since your show is trying to focus on what we can control in ourselves, any tricks for letting oneself be known?
Nate,
Thank you for the comment and question. First, Wil and I agree, “no games!” We realize that you probably do not mean it in the way we’re taking it, but “games” and “tricks” seem like things that get in the way of being honest with yourself and other people. We can definitely give suggestions for ways to modify your thought processes and behaviors, though! When we read your question, we kept thinking that honesty does require some confidence, but the best way to practice being confident is through passion! Even the meekest person lights up when talking about one of their passions, no matter what it is, and generally that energy and enthusiasm is contagious. Never be afraid to share your passions with people. Of course, we always suggest doing a bit of self-reflection to determine which ones may be appropriate to share.
We get the feeling people believe they have to start with the small talk and work their way up to the good stuff…it’s how we’re raised. “Work before play. Veggies before dessert. Socially acceptable small talk before honesty.” Throw ‘em out! Have fun, order dessert first, and get at the core of who you are. There’s no need to save it, because there’s more on the way! Don’t be afraid to be the best you are right now.
Finally, sometimes we seem to confuse being assertive for being aggressive. Aggressiveness puts your needs before others, whereas assertiveness is just clearly and non-judgmentally stating what you want (without disparaging others) and usually includes very descriptive language. Being a “passive (or introverted) person” and being assertive are not mutually exclusive. Just because someone is shy, and does not like to make a “splash” when walking into a room does not mean that they cannot assertively talk to people. The first step is to accept ourselves as we are and become one with it. Then, realize that in every moment we have choices, and whatever choice we make, and whatever response we choose in any given situation, can be one in which we are fully aligned with our needs or wants, as well as being conscious of others and their needs and wants. The key is listening to your needs and wants upfront, and not waiting until the end of the night and hearing them as regrets.
There are no tricks or games, no quick fixes. In order to help others get to know you, come into every interaction without labeling yourself (“I’m passive”), so that the connection can genuinely evolve around the wants and needs of both you and the other person. If that happens, you’ll leave every situation without regrets, knowing that you assertively and authentically were listening to your being and made good on the call. Robert Earl Keen has a great song called “No Kinda Dancer” that demonstrates the hope inherent in releasing ourselves to the experience of a genuine connection. The chorus goes something like this:
I tried hard to tell you I was no kinda dancer,
You took my hand to prove I was wrong,
You guided me gently, though I thought I could never,
We were dancin’ together at the end of the song.
(For those interested in hearing more, we discuss Nate’s question at length in our podcast of May 5th, 2010, available on iTunes or at istopdating.com)
