I’m going on my first date and I’m wondering what you guys think about me doing chivalrous things like holding a door open, pulling her chair out, etc.
–Donnie, New Jersey
Well, first we’d be careful not to characterize it as a date, because we all know what kinds of thoughts that can lead to. But your question is a good one. We can’t emphasize enough how important it is to just act the way you’re most comfortable acting when you’re spending time with someone, be it the first time or the hundred and first. Whether it was because you were raised to act with chivalry or you just get pleasure out of doing what you consider nice “little” things for someone else, it’s a part of who you are. And that’s what needs to shine when you’re spending time with someone.
We were discussing this the other day, actually, and Bernadette has a great way of looking at the issue of holding doors. To her, it’s simply an acknowledgement that you are present enough to recognize and value the people around you. It’s like saying, “Hey, I see that you’re in my world, I’d like to make it a little more pleasant for both of us.” It’s hard to find fault with it when you look at it that way.
Still, there may be people in the world who look upon certain acts unfavorably, and you know what the best way to find out if the person you’re spending time with is one of them? Communicate. In this case, though, we think your best bet is just to go with what you think is nice and let go of any expectations or worries about how the other person will react. They may find it polite and charming, they may hate it, or they may have no opinion about it one way or another. As long as you’re doing things that express who you are as a person, and are willing and open to understanding the other person’s perspective, then even if it’s a problem it’s only going to give the two of you a reason to explore the connection between you even further.
When does “refusing to settle” become “being too picky?”
–Eric, Indiana
This is such a common question because the answer seems tricky, though really it’s pretty simple once you change the way you’re thinking about how you spend time (i.e., not dating). This question is all about the phantom structure and timeline of the relationship that you’ve built up in your head. You don’t have to figure out everything all at once and upfront!
If you’re spending time with people you enjoy, and there’s no place you would rather be than doing what you’re doing with the person or people you’re doing it with, then why do you need to know anything else? The grass is always greener on the other side, and as we’ve been conditioned to believe that there’s a perfect way of doing everything if we can just discover it, people are having a hard time making decisions and sticking to them. But there are never guarantees, especially in matters of the heart, so if your life is being enriched by someone, how can that ever be considered “settling?”
