Why is it that all men want to have other women on the side? I would like to be in a relationship, but I can’t trust any of the men that talk to me. Does “Stop Dating” mean I shouldn’t care about who he spends time with when we’re not together?
This is a surprisingly common question that we get at the Stop Dating Show, and it gives us a chance to introduce the Stop Dating philosophy to students unfamiliar with our past columns! (These are available at the Communicator’s website, or at istopdating.com). Let us take your questions one at a time.
First, we know that sometimes it seems like all men (or women!) are this way or that, but the good news is it is not true. We are sad to hear that you have had such bad experiences in the past, but extrapolating that to an entire gender is a nonsensical stereotype. We would encourage you to talk to the men you are with so they can understand your position. They may not see it as problematic or understand how it is affecting you. Share with them your genuine self and give them the choice to be with you in a way that creates joy. We cannot force genuine connections any more than we can predict when they will grow into something more.
One of the great benefits of attending college is expanding your network of friends and colleagues to include all kinds of people. So take a look at where you have been and the kinds of people you have surrounded yourself with, and if something is wrong or unfulfilling then try something new. Where you have been is not where you have to be, and that is as true in the world of relationships as it is regarding your education, your job, or your neighborhood.
To address your next question, “stop dating” definitely doesn’t mean you should stop caring. The Stop Dating philosophy is fully titled “Stop Dating: The Art and Science of Spending Time and Falling in Love.” It is very much about forming lasting, caring relationships with other human beings, including the one-on-one, serial interactions that normally fall under the umbrella term of “dating.”
The term “dating” carries the cultural baggage of decades of movies, songs, jokes, and books filled with rules for behavior before, during and after a date. Sometimes cultural rules and social mores are beneficial: they help us benefit from common experience. At other times, though, they can make us feel like we are wrong for feeling how we feel and wanting what we want. It sounds like this may be playing itself out in your experience, where the rules of dating allow for men to always keep other women “in play” even while they pursue a relationship with you.
You are not wrong for wanting to be in an exclusive relationship. You are also not wrong for spending time with men who, as it turns out, do not want that. The thing you have to realize is that you cannot control the way others behave, think, and feel. If someone wants to keep women on the side, there are always going to be plenty of women who will allow him to do that. What you can control is whether or not you want to be one of them.
In short, keep yourself open to spending time with a wide variety of folks and expand the pool from which you are drawing: join a student organization in which you know nobody, hang out in different spots. Be yourself, but do not be afraid to be more than yourself.
