Horoscopes
By Douglas Schmidt
Aries March 21- April 19: Those thugs may have stolen your Lazy Susan, but soon, the tables will turn.
Taurus April 20- May 20: While you wouldn’t consider yourself a hero, you did donate your liver to Jim Beam.
Gemini May 21- June 20: You will regret slapping
that guy at the deli when
you realize that a “panini”
is a kind of sandwich.
Cancer June 21- July 22: This weekend, you will finally discover a surefire cure for insomnia: driving.
Leo July 23- Aug 22: You will decide to stop taking your medication when you realize that the voices in your head are actually coming from your cellphone.
Virgo Aug 23- Sep 22:Tomorrow will be both painful and adorable when you are killed in a kitten stampede.
Libra Sep 23- Oct 22:You will destroy both your health and your finances when you discover that gasoline tastes like Red Bull.
Scorpio Oct 23- Nov 21: “sea monkeys” are actually just brine shrimp. Looks like you’ll never have a swimming pool full of baboons.
Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21: Never trust a urologist who works out of the back of a van.
Capricorn Dec 22- Jan 19:You will single-handedly revive Steve Guttenberg’s career when you decide to let him out of your basement.
Aquarius Jan20- Feb 18:Your visit to Jiffy Lube will be far less fun than you’d hoped.
Pisces Feb 19- Mar 20: After years of attempts, you will finally set a Guinness World Record, and wake up with the worst hangover of your life.
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